Inadequacy

An overwhelming sense envelopes my being
Every time a new face reveals itself.
My desire to learn, interact, and love
Grows as time goes on.
But soon it fades,
And they take their leave.
Often without saying a word.
So many words wasted,
So many actions unnoticed,
As I am left behind, yet again.

There must be something wrong with me.
There must be something I don’t see.
Why else would everyone I begin to care about
Just make me care so much, then leave?

So The cycle repeats itself
Over and over again.
And I struggle to understand
Because nothing bad happened.
I did everything right.
So why is this happening?
Why has this happened again?

I face each new acquaintance
With a practiced facade.
“This one will be no different
He’ll leave just like all the others”
I say to myself. But I still try.
So I fall into the same routine.
I try to hide my shame.
I try to hide what ever the others saw.
Though I still don’t know what it is.

I’m hanging on, but my resolve is failing.
I’m tired and drained.
Each one that leaves
Takes a small part of me.
And now there isn’t much of me left to give.

There must be something wrong with me.
There must be something I don’t see.
Why else would everyone I begin to care about
Just make me care so much, then leave?

I’m conditioned to expect the worst.
I’m convinced that there is no such thing
as “Happily ever after.”
Maybe I’m just not meant for it all.
It seems as though I’m designed for loneliness.
I should just accept this and cease my struggle.
But still I try, and still I fail.
And I will never understand
Why the hell I do this to myself.

There must be something wrong with me.
There must be something I don’t see.
Why else would everyone I begin to care about
Just make me care so much, then leave?

There must be something wrong with me
There must be something wrong.
There must be something.
There must be.

Inspiration:

Men, Amirite? But in all seriousness. The gay community is fucking awful. Call me a “self hating faggot.” or what ever it is that pretentious, uppity homos have to say about it, But it is true. The gay community is largely a hook-up culture, and guys will often tell you what you want to hear just to get in your pants. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the occasional hook-up, But I know what I want, and it’s not a life of meaningless sex for the sake of fun. I spend so much time trying to get to know someone, and then they just walk out of my life as if it all meant nothing, which to them, it probably was nothing. This shit happens far more than I’d care to admit. I’ve found myself falling silent when I hear people talking about how “Gays are just promiscuous. They just wanna get laid.” And I want to defend my community, I really do. But I can’t fairly defend it if I largely agree with those comments. I still try to find that special someone. “The one” as they say, but it’s difficult to let someone in when I’m so convinced and conditioned to think that they’ll be just like all the others. I’m convinced that I’m just going to get hurt again. It makes me think that there is something terribly wrong with me and I just don’t see it or know what it is. But they always seem to notice it, whatever it is. True or not, it’s how this shitty community makes me feel sometimes.

tl;dr: Being a hopeless romantic in a hook-up culture is a special kind of hell.

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